Temporary lust

Before I write this I'm laying down some ground rules. First of all I+ caused this mess because I again took my emotions out on someone it turns out I would miss when she was gone. Like in all other communications behind the keyboard this ongoing chat between us took my body out of the equation. We This ISN'T a "love story" it's a lust story deep down I always thought it was a "lust story" primarily because she is on the opposite side of the world, the wonders of the Internet. Anyway I wanted to write down what happened because Facebook statuses won't cover it. I take full responsibility

We met in grade school, she's about my age, and exchanged hellos we were never really friends. She was in a couple of special ed classes with me, back when I was only partly mainstreamed but she was very very shy. Which should have set off alarm bells. We didn't really communicate for years. She actually moved back to her home country right out of high school with her family. She friended me on Facebook about a year ago and like 90% of my friends on Facebook, we keep tabs on each other but never actively chat. All that changed when  she started messaging me about a month ago. I was a bit surprised when she started saying things

 It was different than chatting with other friends because we didn't talk about current events or argue politics.  This is also during the backdrop of COVID-19. After all that's going on in the country and around the world our chats started light.  I needed an escape and this seemed like the perfect vehicle. After all it was totally different from anything else I was discussing on Facebook. The virtual dates we're perfect, going to the zoo, the beach, New York City during Christmas.We'd have dinner, go dancing. WE WERE "DATING" All the time I thought to myself , this wasn't chatting any more, this was WRITING. We  describe kissing each other which and was a mutual discussion. Mainly we were using our imaginations Articles weren't actually rolling in, I needed a break from poetry,  only so much I could write about beaches and lighthouses.  It was perfect and then we blew it, big time.

It became like we we writing our own love story,  It was something different and she became good at it. She actually brought up kissing first, and holding hands. Being the writer wanted to expand on kissing. Within a few days we had some pretty decent scenarios.Not those corny porn flick scripts either. It was romance, it was pretend, but again it was an escape. You can call it "sexting" but NO pictures were exchanged! 

Everything was going great until her mom found her iPad opened to one of our chats and was furious. My new flirt tried to explain to her mother this was innocent and nothing was happening, it wasn't working. So we both decided to cool it for awhile.  I was cool with that but days later she ask if I was mad at HER. I tried to assure her I felt guilty for making her write those things, and felt even more guilty when she asked if I was mad at her. She asked me not to contact her, so I didn't, but then she contact me. We started chatting again it was fine then we fall into the same routine

 We had some good times and I enjoyed doing stuff with .her like going to museums and just chatting ,over dinner .It made both of us feel special. Then a few days ago she said she was going to block me again. I suggest we just don't talk for a month like we originally planned. She then disappeared/. I think rather than unfriend or even block me her parents just made her eliminate her account completely..  She had so little freedom to begin with and I did my part to take it away. I feel horrible

I have been beating myself up ever since, she and I had innocent fun, but it created problems. I know kI should have put my foot down and insist we stop chatting for awhile. However the temptation was too much for both of us. So here I am pouring my heart out online. Like all other heartbreaks in my life this too will pass. However this time the sting will last a little longer